Embracing My Personality

Over the years, I have done a lot of research on what type of personality I have.

It fascinates me and makes me wonder how much is accurate based on my own opinions, feelings and views.  I have taken the Myers Briggs Personality Test – both the formal and informal (i.e. free versions found online) multiple times and have been very consistent in my personality type:

Scores:

INTJ – 95% of the time

INFJ – 5% of the time

This means I have the following strong personality traits:

• Introverted (I) – rather than extraverted (E)
• Intuitive (N) – rather than sensing (S)
• Thinking (T) – occasionally feeling (F) will make an appearance when I take the test – but rarely
• Judging (J) – rather than perceiving (P)

Apparently, according to all of the websites I have visited, INTJ’s are the most rare personality type, making up only 2% of the population and as a woman INTJ, only 0.8% of the population.  Which means I’m pretty rare.

What this means in general terms for me:

• I prefer to be alone (introverted). I can be around others, but once I’ve hit my max, I CRAVE my alone time and will not be a very nice person if I don’t get time to decompress.
• I follow my gut 90% of the time (intuition). This gut sense does take into account facts gathered and past experiences and I’m confident in my assessment in most situations most of the time.
• I make most decisions based on facts and logic (thinking). If something isn’t logical, then don’t even try to BS me because I don’t have time for that.  Occasionally, my emotions will take over (I am a woman after all), and my feelings will rule – but it is almost always based on logical reasoning.
• I make a plan, revise as necessary based on new information, and stick to it (judging). I hate to improvise unless my plan was planned in advance to allow for improvisation.  Example – don’t screw up my work day, it is planned and will frustrate me if something throws me off course.  But I can be totally relaxed and go with the flow when called for – like vacations: because vacations aren’t meant to be regimented (except in very specific instances – such as being on-time for a tour group).

 

What this means for the people around me:

• Me not wanting to be attached at the hip (to anyone) does not mean that I don’t like, love or care for you deeply. I DO have feelings and I DO take your feelings into consideration.  Since I say what I think and mean what I say, I expect the same from you.  If you do not tell me what you are thinking or feeling, then I can only guess based on my Intuition, which may be wrong since I have failed mind-reading class.
• Speaking of Intuition – I can almost always tell when something is “off” with you. Maybe you’re having a bad day, maybe you have a secret that you’re struggling with, maybe you just found out you’re going to be a grandma – doesn’t matter, that intuition is almost always spot on correct.  If I’m asking “what’s wrong” – I do care about your answer and wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t want to know.  Usually, I’m trying to figure out how I can help you and genuinely WANT to help you.  If I don’t ask “what’s wrong”, then either I am unable to help you at that moment due to my own crazy life OR I don’t want to help you – 50/50 shot at either option.
  • Some people have been freaked out when I suddenly appear in their lives. I’ve shown up to too many places where people are genuinely surprised to see me because they’ve been thinking about me and/or wanted to talk with me, but didn’t make the time to contact me, for me to blow it off as coincidence.  What they don’t know is, almost always, I sense that they want to see me.  I’ve woken up in the middle of the night, wide awake, 10 minutes before an important text comes through.  I’ve walked in doors, to places I have no reason to be (other than sensing I need to be there), and greeted with, “I’m so glad to see you!  I’ve been thinking about you for 2 weeks!” – what they don’t know is, I’ve had the sense that they wanted to talk to me for that entire 2 weeks – I just didn’t make the time myself to go to them right away (I do have a life you know!).
• Because I do my reasoning and thinking with logic, I can tell when what you’re telling me is nothing but BS and lies. Probably why I love Judge Judy so much – “If it doesn’t make sense, then it’s not the truth!”  Tell me the truth, all of the truth, and we’ll get along fine.  If you tell me partial truths, then be prepared for me to call you out on it.  I will know, and sense, and be severely disappointed in you that you feel this is a good course of action (which is to say NOTHING of how I feel about myself if I try to BS myself…..yes, I have done this, and yes, it wasn’t pretty in the end….soul crushing disappointment upon yourself is nothing to laugh at).
• When I make plans with you, I expect you to follow through on whatever it is that we’ve agreed to. When you can’t follow through, tell me.  I can adapt and I can make alternate plans – just not if you won’t talk to me.

These memes are right on when it comes to me and how I think:

And lastly, how being an INTJ relates to me:

 

When Fantasy Dictates to Reality

A few weeks ago, I had a whopper of a nightmare dream.

In my dream, Hun and I were talking in our living room.  Almost simultaneously, we looked at each other in horror, realizing it was 10:00pm on Christmas Eve night, the kids were in bed and we hadn’t bought a single Christmas gift for anyone.

The sense of sheer panic that overcame me in the dream is something that I can still feel all these weeks later.  Thankfully, I didn’t wake up from the dream in a panic attack, reality kicked in and I knew we still had plenty of time, but the feelings are still there none the less.

The logical side of me knows the dream is more symbolic than realistic.  I know that I’ve been feeling out of control at work, at home, and in every facet of my life.  The perfectionist in me is screaming that something is going to go horribly wrong – and what could be worse than having 4 kids wake up Christmas morning with no presents to open?  Probably, no really, a whole host of things COULD be way worse, but right now in our lives – no presents would be earth shattering to my kids.

That doesn’t change the fact that in years past I have had the season planned out well in advance of the calendar dates.  Hun and I used to go Christmas shopping for the kids in September, putting all of the toys on lay-a-way until November.  That left us with plenty of money, plenty of time, and plenty of holiday cheer.

Then Wal-Mart did away with their lay-a-way plan and things went all wonky for us.  Sure, it’s back NOW, but the years it was gone got us out of our system.  Trying to find our way back to a peaceful season has become a crazy notion.

Now, instead of spending the month helping the kids shop, putting up decorations and baking cookies, Hun and I are attempting to figure out what to get for our kids.  We spent several hours on Black Friday shopping for gifts – a tradition I had hoped to never start.  We have done this the past two years now, mainly because we were able to shop without the kids on this day in particular.

Forget shopping for the “deals” on Black Friday.  I prefer to shop without stress.  The crowds do nothing to help with that, but waiting until after 12:00pm on Black Friday makes the day a little more manageable for me.  Even Hun was willing to shop with me at that point to make sure our kids have a great Christmas.  Well…..as good as we’re willing to give them anyway…..

At 10:00pm on the Sunday after Thanksgiving, the holiday weekend is “officially” over for me.  As I sit here, I realize we have the tree partially assembled (half of the ornaments aren’t going on no matter how bare the tree looks and the angel still sits on the desk waiting to be perched), there are storage boxes strewn across the living room, the outdoor decorations might or might not actually get put out this year, and various presents still need to be bought and wrapped.

I also realize that we have “most” of the kids’ gifts bought, wrapped and hidden in the attic (done this morning, before they came home from Jetsam’s house).  Most of the extra gifts for family and friends have been bought and wrapped – or at the very least ordered on-line and waiting for the items to arrive.  Baking might not happen this year, but I’m okay with that.

So….even though I know my dream/nightmare will not come true, I really don’t see any reason to tempt fate either.  Know what I mean?

I Am Evil

For years now, I have alluded to myself as the “Evil” parent and/or step-parent.

For years, people have asked me on occasion why I would refer to myself as “Evil” when it is obvious to them that I am not “Evil”.

I think I’m finally ready to explain why I do this.

I do it as a form of self-preservation.  If I call myself evil, then the power of that word is no longer powerful over me.  I hold the power of that word, no one else has control of it when spoken in regards to me.  I have the power to make the word “Evil”, evil or not.  I have the power, no one else.

Someone who calls me horrible, mean, controlling or whatever adjective they have that day is nothing compared to the word “Evil”.  Evil is the worst – no matter what you are speaking of, if something is “Evil” there is nothing worse in this world.  Evil conjures up images of the Devil, fires in Hell and every other horrible thing a person can possibly imagine.

None of these horrible things are brought to mind when a person deals with me in the normal course of the day.  I am usually calm, rational, and logical.  I have been told that I can be funny, silly and have a wicked sense of sarcasm.  I have a clear sense of right and wrong, but I can see the shades of gray in most circumstances.  I am harder on myself than others are of my mistakes.

Through all of my life, I have had people that I have to deal with that would rather I be nowhere in their lives.  My Ex – Flotsam – is one of those people.  Sometimes, my step-kids and their mom – Jetsam – are right there as well – they wish I didn’t exist.  Occasionally, telemarketers on the other end of the phone wish I didn’t know their numbers when the service is less than what was promised or guaranteed.

Through all of this, I have been called names.  Usually when I’m not cooperating with whoever is calling me that name:

Flotsam loves to call me an Unreasonable, Psychotic Bitch when I don’t go along with his plans.  I have learned to calmly explain to him that if he’d like me to live up to that name, I’d be glad to oblige him.  He doesn’t call me that often because he knows I’ll follow through if he continues to follow through.  The names he calls me is nothing compared to the “Evil Ex-Wife” label I ascribe to myself.

The kids love to tell me that they “HATE” me!  I have learned to laugh at them when they do that.  There is no power in the word “hate” when I agree and add in – “that’s right, I’m the “Evil” mom/step-mom.”  With the kids, I am more compassionate and tell them that I love them even if they hate me, but I’m not going to be swayed by the word “hate”.  It is my job to raise them the best way I know how, regardless of what they think of me.  Again – the names the kids call me are nothing compared to the “Evil Step-Mom” name I have given myself.

No matter what I have been called, no one has yet to actually agree with my self-imposed label.

Why?

Because they can’t call me anything worse than what I call myself.  And they can’t quite agree with me because they know I’m not actually “Evil”.

I proudly call myself “Evil”.

Because I know it’s not true.  They know it’s not true.  Now you know it’s not true either.  Feel free to call me “Evil”.  I will smile, nod and agree with you – wholeheartedly.