Category: The Mistress


The Mistress Is…..Gone…..

It’s been a while since I talked about The Mistress last.

The sad fact is, The Mistress has been cast off from our house.  She is no longer welcome to grace our presence.  And she has caused quite the uproar because of it……

She is no longer an object of status in our neighborhood; parked next to the house to proclaim to the world that the man that lives here has some major cajones to enjoy both a wife and a Mistress on a regular basis.

She is no longer sleeping less than 10 feet away from my matrimonial bed, mocking me with the knowledge that DH goes to sleep thinking about her instead of me.

She is no longer causes DH to spontaneously jump up in the middle of the night because he “thought he heard a noise around his baby!”  (Which….by the way….he sleeps right through the times the Mistress has actually been messed with.)

She is no longer sitting next to the house with all of her sparkle and bling, putting the house to shame.

She is no longer killing my grass, just for spite.

So….what is she up to these days?

She is working against us with the city to cause us stress regarding possible fines and penalties – stupid concrete parking spot rule…..

She is causing us extra money every month to now store her at another location.

She is causing Hun to be stressed out because now he has to find the time to go visit her.

She is causing my house to be messier (how?  Hun isn’t comfortable leaving all of his rods, reels and baits in the Mistress now, away from his watchful eye, so these items have to go somewhere – my front entryway seems to be the location.)

And last but not least…..

She is causing Hun and me to actually have to spend time with each other.

Who knew having an MIA Mistress would be positive for a marriage?

I love you Hun

Today is my 9th wedding anniversary to Hun.  Neither of us ever thought we would make it this far in our marriage.  Let’s face it – the statistics don’t lie.  People who divorce and then remarry have some of the highest rates of divorcing again in the country.  As this is our 2nd marriage for both of us, we didn’t enter into the marriage blind to those facts, but we did hold out hope that we would be among the lucky ones and beat the odds.  So far – we have!

Since this day is for remembering our love for each other, I want to share with you what I love about Hun the most:

I love his laugh, but I really love his giggle.  He has the best giggle of any grown man I know.  When something truly tickles him, this bear of a man turns into the greatest teddy bear I know and will let out this wonderful giggle.  It’s both shocking and heartwarming to hear it come from him because it’s usually so totally unexpected.

I love how he makes up little nicknames for me.  Karaboo – oh yeah, that’s totally him.  I hated the name at first (what woman doesn’t want to be referred to as a big, clumsy, goofy looking animal after all?), but after realizing that Hun was the first person to EVER give me a nickname of any kind, I came around to loving it.

I love how Hun melts into a puddle when there is a baby around.  He can’t help but make silly faces at them, giggle and play peek-a-boo.  I have yet to see a baby that didn’t instantly start smiling, cooing, or giggling themselves.  He just has that type of sway with babies.  While I hope that there is still 10 years (at minimum) before this happens, I can’t wait to see him with his own grandbabies.   They will have him wrapped around their little fingers.

I love that he can fix things.  So far, he has been able to fix anything I have thrown at him that was broken.  No, I didn’t break it by throwing it AT him….it was already broken, thankyouverymuch!  Vehicle making a funny noise?  He can fix it.  Toilet running all day and night?  He can fix that too.  Install a new ceiling fan?  Piece of cake!  He can almost do it with his eyes closed.  Need a brand new master bedroom and bathroom installed out of nothing?  Okay, that took us three years to complete from start to finish, but he/we did it!

I love his touch.  Hun loves to cuddle.  On the couch, in the vehicle, on the beach, in bed – it doesn’t matter where, he loves to curl up around me and I love it that he does.

I love his perfectionism – no really!  I do!  You see, he gets it when I’m having a total meltdown because something isn’t going perfect for me.  He’ll either help me to make it perfect, remind me that it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of life, or leave me alone in my tantrum.  Plus, we’re perfectionists at different things, so when he’s having a meltdown, I’m able to help him as well.

I love that he is still growing as a person.  He doesn’t automatically think he’s right (like Flotsam), he doesn’t think the world owes him anything (like Jetsam), and he listens to people’s opinions, gathers the facts, and then decides on his own how he will proceed.  Over the past 9+ years, we have had some knock-down, drag-out fights over things…..things that I can’t even remember what they were about.  Basically, we were fighting to have our own opinions, feelings and passions heard.  Neither of us had that in our first marriage and we’ve learned to listen to the other when we are disagreeing.  It’s usually for a good reason.  Except for our very first argument around 9 years ago about the Corvette (that we will maybe, someday, hopefully own) – I’m totally in the right on that one and he is so totally wrong!  I don’t care what Hun says about it!!

I even love that he loves The Mistress.  How else am I going to get time for myself for my spa days?

9 years and our love is still going strong.  Here’s to another 9 and beyond. 

I love you Hun.

Choices

A life full of choices is where I love to be.  Normally, I would find this comforting, but today I’m finding it hilariously ironic.  Especially since our options of choices have been dramatically reduced in the last week.

As a background to my following conundrum of choices, Hun lost his job last Tuesday.  That’s right, he was fired, canned, given a pink slip, whatever you want to call it – he’s without a job.  You would think that in this economy, I’d be having a hard time finding anything hilarious, let alone funny, but the choices that have been rattling around in my head for the last week are certainly all that and more.

Like for instance – I wonder how much child slave labor is going for nowadays.  They don’t eat much (just everything that’s not nailed down), hardly ever complain (unless it’s about each other, parents, school, chores, homework, or TV time and who has watched more milliseconds than the other), and have perfect manners whenever it suits their needs.  Sure, I could ship them off to Siberia for a couple of rubles per month…..it would certainly cut down on my grocery bills.  But, somehow, I don’t think Jetsam will approve of any choice of mine that involves shipping off the kids anywhere.  <<sigh……spoiled-sport>>  I suppose my choice will have to be to cook more at home rather than eating out all of the time – drat!

I know!  I can really turn into an evil person and hound both Flotsam and Jetsam for their back child support (CS) payments!  You know – share the wealth with this stress and all that jazz.  I mean – why am I the only one that should be stressed out by all of this?  Flotsam doesn’t have a job right now and he doesn’t seem a bit concerned about any of it.  The last time I asked him about the lack of CS from him, he had the nerve to point out that he guesses he could go to jail for non-payment, but what good would that do anyone?  Well – let’s see, it’ll make me feel better since you’re not working and not paying, so what harm would it do to anyone but YOU?  YOU rotting in jail won’t hurt me not getting CS – you’re not paying anyway.  YOU rotting in jail won’t hurt your employer – why?  Oh…That’s right!  You’re not working!!  Ooohhhh!!!  I know – I’ve got just the plan!  How about I ship Flotsam off to Siberia for slave labor?  Yeah!  That’s the ticket!!

Grrh – I know – I’ll have better luck getting blood from a turnip.  I’m not likely to act on any of my impulses, but imagining the ways I can make their lives miserable IS making me feel better…..just a little.

Or maybe I could turn The Mistress into a “lady of the night” and charge guys for a ride.  Never mind – scratch that idea.  The Mistress costs too much as it is – I’ll never be able to turn a profit using her.  Maybe I’ll cut her loose from the family….

NNNNOOOOOoooooooo!!!! – That scream you just heard was Hun morning for the loss of his lady.

Okay – maybe cutting her loose after only one week is a bit premature.  I suppose my choice will have to be a “wait and see” approach for the next couple of weeks.  Although, hanging a “For Sale” sign on The Mistress will probably light a fire under Hun’s ass to get a job……hmmmm……light bulb moment!!

 And, it’s almost Halloween – maybe I can turn my house into a freak show.  Only one working bathroom and 6 people live there?  EEeeekkkkk!!!!  Your electric bill has been HOW much every month this summer?!?  AAAAaaccckkkk!!!!!  Your house has been invaded by what…..what was that??  Herds of majestically romping dust bunnies, flittering from sun-beam to sun-beam, and pro-creating in the depths of dark underbellies of the couches??  Bwahahahahaha……..<<choke>>…..hehehe……<<gasp>>…….Um….I mean….how horrible!!

Of course, the real choices in life are much harder to make.  I don’t want to think of those choices right now.  I want to stay in Never-Never-Land for a little while longer.  I want to be the one that doesn’t have to face responsibilities and consequences. 

What I really want is to know how much postage to Siberia will be…..

The Mistress

Talking to family over the weekend, I realized that I had left out a very important character in my life. This character has taken over all aspects of my family life and there’s nothing I can do about it. This character is The Mistress and she’s one fickle bitch.

Oh yes, I know all about The Mistress. If it were possible for Hun to share a bed with both me and The Mistress, I believe he would. In any given month, Hun spends more money on The Mistress than he spends on me. Hun spends more physical time with me, but only because I’m more vocal and demanding of his time – I may have Hun’s heart, but The Mistress owns his soul.

Hun spends a lot of his time worshipping at the altar of The Mistress. He will stand there and just stare at her. I have walked up to him caressing her sleek body. He spends time looking for presents for her on the internet – presents that cost way more than anything he’s ever looked at for me. He thinks nothing of buying new bling for her – even when she does nothing to lift a finger for him.

I shouldn’t say The Mistress does nothing for Hun. She provides him services on demand that I would never think of doing for him. She purrs or roars, whenever he touches her in the right way. She gets him wet and then leaves him high and dry. Whenever he has her on his arm, Hun is the envy of all of the other guys he passes. They stare after him with longing and lust. Complete strangers have stopped Hun to ask him how? Why? And most importantly, they ask – tell me how I can get me a Mistress just like yours!

I’ve seen this myself. You should see the envy in the other guys’ eyes – you know they’re thinking how can a guy like Hun handle a Mistress like that and still have his wife on the other arm? I’m also an object of envy of these other guys at times. I have been asked where did Hun find me and do I have a sister just like me – one that allows her husband to have both a wife and a Mistress as wonderful as Hun does?

Other women do not like that I allow Hun to have a Mistress. Originally, I was sure their jealousness had to do with my awesomeness. I’m learning that’s not true at all, they were trying to warn me. I have been given dire warnings from other women that a Mistress like Hun’s will ruin our marriage. Eight months into this tenuous relationship, their warnings are starting to resonate with me. Things I waved away as mere exaggerations are slowly being revealed as truth.

Things such as:

  • New toys will appear that are not for the marriage, but for The Mistress – true.
  • Hun will do everything he can to spend more and more time with The Mistress – true.
  • Hun will try to rope me into spending just as much time with The Mistress as he does – true.
  • Hun will dream of having a threesome with The Mistress and will be upset when I don’t go along – true.
  • Hun will begin looking for new partners to share his threesome dream with – true.

This last one just happened this last weekend. Hun went with another guy to drool over his Mistress with. They spent all day loving all over The Mistress. The other guy was so impressed with the day that Hun and the guy are planning their next adventure with her – this next coming weekend! I think I’ve allowed a monster to be born!!

I’m not totally without control over this relationship. No matter what Hun spends on The Mistress, I always get the remainder of his paycheck – so she doesn’t get it ALL, even though Hun has been known to beg to spend more money on her. No matter how long it’s been since Hun has spent time with The Mistress, I insist that time with our kids come first. And, I’ve threatened to destroy The Mistress if Hun ever thinks of leaving me over anything regarding another woman. The Mistress is welcomed in our marriage, but cheating on me with another woman will be a deal breaker.

The Mistress is a very bright, very sparkly, Harley Davidson orange and cream-colored, Legend Alpha 211 bass boat.

The Mistress

What?!? You didn’t seriously think I’d allow Hun to have a real mistress did you? What kind of messed up family do you think we are? Okay – we are messed up, just not like that!!