Category: Uncategorized


Expectations

Well – LaLa and Rowdy didn’t move in with us.

On one hand, I’m saddened by this.

On the other, I’m relieved that they didn’t move in.

LaLa:

I could tell that LaLa was on the fence about moving in with us.  She, instead, moved in with her aunt about 60 miles away from us.  Monkey made a comment that she was “afraid we would say ‘we told you so’”.  I asked LaLa about this comment and she denied feeling that way.  She stated she wanted to give country living a try as an adult.

The following information we got from Monkey – she’s our little private eye (and can’t keep a secret to save her life).  LaLa has a new, part-time job, close to where she’s living at.  We hear that she likes it and it’s easy.  I’m glad she has a job and likes the work.

We also hear that LaLa’s behind on her car payment (due to many factors) and may come and ask us for help in catching up.  Hun and I have discussed this possibility and we’ve decided we will help her if asked (with the money going directly to the payment and nowhere else).  But she will have to ask us.  We’re not mind readers and Monkey has been known to get her information wrong in the past.  I make sure Monkey knows when it’s okay for her to pass our discussions on to the other kids.

Rowdy:

I initially spoke to Rowdy with both Hun and LaLa present.  I let him know that there was a lot of history between the two of us and there was a lot of hurt feelings and betrayal.  He agreed.  I told him about having a similar issue with my own mom when I was his age and how she would comment to me “I just don’t know if I can trust you with what you’ve put me through”.  I told him that I heard this comment for years after I had shown that I had matured and grown up.  I let him know that while I would try to put the past behind us (it has been almost 2 years since he lived with us and he has grown and matured), there would be times that I would struggle to trust him.  He stated he understood and agreed that he hadn’t made life easy for Hun or me; that he had changed and would prove it.

I spoke with Hun privately and let him know that I had misgivings and hesitation regarding Rowdy’s words.  That Rowdy had always been good with words and I would be looking at his actions to see if they lined up.  Hun stated he understood and that he would be watching as well.

The weekend that Rowdy was scheduled to move in with us, both LaLa and Rowdy came by on Friday night around 5pm to pick Monkey up to go and visit with Jetsam.  Rowdy let me know his plans:  he was going to bring his mattress and cloths by on Sunday morning and would then go back to pick up his dog to bring back with him later that day.

I told him that was fine – but then “Karaboo” came out.  I commented to him, “You know, everyone in this house works.  I know you don’t have a job right now.  You asked us originally if we had a curfew and we told you no, that you just needed to be considerate of our work schedules.  I want you to be aware that we aren’t going to be just a crash pad for you while you hang out with your friends all day and we’re only a place for you to sleep and eat.  While you’re searching for a job, we have some projects around the house you can help us with while you’re waiting.”  He interjected a couple of times trying to tell me what his plans were for obtaining a job.  I told him, “That’s great, I’m glad you have a plan.  I’m just letting you know part of our expectations as well.”  He said he understood and left with LaLa and Monkey.

Hun came home late that night and as we were talking, he casually mentioned that Rowdy let him know that he’s moving in with his aunt.  “Whoa!  Hold the train!  What are you talking about?  I just talked to Rowdy earlier this evening and he let me know he was moving in on Sunday.  What changed?”

We compared timelines and what was discussed between me and Rowdy and Hun and Rowdy.  Rowdy called his dad about 2 hours after he spoke with me with his new plans.  I let Hun know about what I had said about expectations and repeatedly said throughout the weekend that my intention wasn’t to drive Rowdy away.  My conscience was eating me up.  While cautious about the whole situation, I truly want to mend the relationship with Rowdy and us.

Hun finally told me, “You said nothing wrong to him.  If us having expectations of him while he lives under our roof made him decide to live somewhere else, that’s his decision.  By his actions, he hasn’t matured yet and just expected us to accept his “plans” with no questions asked.  I was worried that him moving in would upset Monkey’s attitude again.  She’s calmed down since he’s been out of the house and I didn’t want that to blow up.  This is probably a good thing that he didn’t move in.”

He’s probably right.  It probably is a good thing.  It doesn’t ease my conscience as much as I want it to, but I accept that Rowdy made his decision.

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Work of Heart

I am typing this post at home after my first day at my “new” old job.

I applied for and was offered my old job back in the medical staff office that I quit around 2-3 years ago (I’ve lost track of actual time on when I left).

I seriously question my sanity in going back to a job that I swear gave me a mild form of PTSD.  But at the same time, so much has changed since I left that I am no longer worried about the stress of the position.

One – there are now more people in the department – up to 5 staff members now (when there were just 3).

Two – there are employees who know what they’re doing and are certified in the job with many years of experience working there now.  I won’t be asking questions and receiving non-answers any more, nor will I be left to figure it out for myself.

Three – I have leadership who knows what it is like to struggle and knows my history with the position.  And they hired me anyway because they believe in my strengths and know I can do the job with the right resources.

My first day was less than productive, but also hilarious and heartwarming.

I have no computer to do my work on – but it is on order!  I’m currently using an old laptop they have in the office until the computer comes in (which they were informed today might take as long as 2 weeks).

I have my old desk back.  A really old desk from a position I was in about 10-15 years ago.  As I walked in and the desk was pointed out, I paused and thought, “that looks familiar”.  Sitting down at it, the scratch on the top and the drawer that doesn’t quite open right seemed to whisper, “Hello old friend”.  Speaking with another coworker who stopped by the office later in the day confirmed, yes indeed, it is the same desk I sat at when I first transitioned from food service employee to administrative assistant all those years ago.

My coworkers are a joy to work with.  Each of them wanting to know what they could do to help me, all while I’m asking them what I can do to help ease the work load from them.  They have nicknames for each other and laugh together at the smallest of joys.

It’s a different atmosphere in this office both from before and from where I came from.  It is a stark contrast to have one office employee refer to you as a “b*tch” (and not in a joking manner) on your last day and the new office employees excited that you’ve joined their team that they include you in their nicknames for each other on the first day (officially dubbed “work of heart” – but with the assurance I can change it if I want).

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Work of Heart Bear – She is an artistic Care Bear who shows that creativity and hard work can create beautiful things. (Wikipedia)

I’ve had enough self-growth in this past year to realize that the disgruntled employee calling me a bad name is a reflection on them and not on me.  I consider it tremendous growth to have overheard it (I was meant to hear the comment), let it go without a comment and feel some amusement at the same time.  I am secure in my knowledge of my own actions and behavior that I know I’m not who they think I am.

I am one month away from being at my company for the beginning of my 23rd year.  Today felt like coming home.

Turned Upside Down

Hey everyone, I’m up early and can’t sleep.

A lot has happened since I posted last.  I’m going to try to get back into the habit of writing and sharing, but it really hasn’t been a priority for me, so we’ll see how that goes.

My year of the mantra “Accomplish” has been a success (in my humble opinion).

I have a new job.

Hun and I are digging ourselves out of debt (slowly, but surely).

We have made some major repairs on our home, with plans for several more over the next six months.

We have a vacation planned for our 15th year anniversary.

Monkey, our last child still in school, is a year and a half away from graduating.

Rowdy is moving back in, and possibly LaLa as well.

This last item is what has me unable to sleep.

I’m trying to stay positive about the situation and keep reminding myself to take it one day at a time.  I’m trying to remember that it’s been almost 3 years since Rowdy moved out and he’s matured since then.

I remind myself of my own childhood at that point in my life where I made many questionable choices and had a mother who constantly reminded me of those poor choices.  “I just can’t trust you after what you did” was thrown in my face years after the deeds were done and my actions proved otherwise.

I have no qualms about LaLa moving back in.  She moved out by her own choice and was looking for any reason she could as justification at the time.  We talked to her last night and let her know what our “requirements” were for her moving back in.  She said she would let us know.

Talking to Monkey after LaLa left, Monkey commented, “She doesn’t want you to say, ‘I told you so’”.  Both Hun and I were shocked at that.  While we might think it, we would not say it out-loud, especially in this situation.  (I have had instances where a kid – ahem…Rowdy – insisted they were going to do things their way and I let them know the idea was going to turn out badly and when it did I was going to tell them ‘I told you so’ – but that was used as incentive to keep them from doing it – which usually worked.)

So, why are the kids thinking about moving back in?  They were living with their mom, Jetsam.  I’ll have to look back at my posts to see if I wrote about it, but she separated from her boyfriend/husband about 2 years ago and moved into an apartment not too far away from us (within 5 miles).

Jetsam has been evicted, which means her 3 kids were evicted with her (Flounder, her youngest, is a sophmore in high school).  She has chosen to move in with a sister, who lives 60 miles away from their current jobs.  Which means, if they move with her, they will have to quit their current jobs and then find new jobs – in an area with very few employment opportunities (both Hun and I have lived in that area – there’s a reason why we moved out of it).

There are so many facets to this event that keep tumbling through my mind.

Hun and I are not surprised that Jetsam has been evicted (we are surprised that it took this long).

We are not surprised that LaLa is considering moving back in.

We are surprised that Rowdy has asked us to move back in.  It was not under the best of circumstances that he moved out.

So, there it is.  Why I can’t sleep.  Our lives are about to be turned upside down again and not by our own doing.  Posting helped to keep me sane before.  I suspect I’ll be posting more in the future.

I Pray You’ll Change Your Mind

I consider myself an agnostic when it comes to discussions about god.

It doesn’t matter which god we’re speaking about – I don’t care if you’re speaking of God, Jesus, Allah, Thor, Zeus, Ra or any of the other thousands of gods that have been worshiped on this planet since humans came into being.

Do I believe there is something greater than humans and human intelligence?  Yes.

Do I believe in something greater than humans the way religion (any religion) says I must believe?  No

How can I hold both beliefs?  In my mind, it’s easy.  There is an order to our existence that speaks to something larger than what we can currently explain with logic, reason and science.  I hold every confidence that things that are currently unexplainable now, will have a logical explanation in the future.

One only has to look at history, and acknowledge it, to know this to be true.  For example, at one time, people believed the earth was the center of the universe and the sun revolved around it.  Beliefs that were held only a few decades ago are even now being challenged.  Young teenagers today have no idea what it means to wait for the internet to connect, or the meaning behind the phrase “dial a phone number”, or that remote controls (for anything) didn’t exist at one time.  Imagine what people a hundred years from now will believe about our current beliefs?

Because I’m agnostic, I don’t think someone is going to hell just because they love someone of the same sex as themselves.

Because I’m agnostic, I don’t believe that going to a specific gathering on a specific day with specific people for a specific reason and performing specific actions will ensure my soul rests peacefully in heaven for eternity.

Because I’m agnostic, I will not dismiss your claim of having an “out of body” experience of “seeing the other side” of this life and what it will offer us.

Because I’m agnostic, I find it hard to believe that when I close my eyes for the last time on this earth, that they won’t open to another unknown experience.

Just because I hold these beliefs for myself, does not mean I will condemn you for holding different beliefs than I do.  Just because I don’t believe the way you do does not mean that I won’t think about ways to make your spiritual journey easier for you.

Recently, I purchased a book for a close relative of mine who is just starting on her spiritual walk with Jesus.  Upon seeing the book, I instantly thought about her and how she might enjoy it on several different levels, including the religious one.  The day I gave it to her, her mother saw it and commented to me, “This is a surprisingly thoughtful gift for someone who claims to not believe in God.”

I replied with, “Just because I do not believe does not mean that I’m going to dismiss your, or anyone else’s, beliefs.”

“I know.  Just know that I still pray that you’ll change your mind one day.”

I looked at her for a moment and asked, “How would you feel if I stated, ‘I hope you quit believing in God’?”

She replied with a startled look, “I would tell you that’s not going to happen!”

While our conversation continued, all I could think was, “Ditto.”

Joining A Mastermind

Earlier this year I joined a Mastermind.

I had never heard of one until I started listening to podcasts at the beginning of 2017.  It piqued my curiosity and I did a little research.  In case you’re curious, here’s the official definition of “mastermind”:

verb (used with object)

1. to plan and direct (a usually complex project or activity), especially skillfully:

Two colonels had masterminded the revolt.

noun

2. a person who originates or is primarily responsible for the execution of a particular idea, project, or the like:

the masterminds of company policy.

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/mastermind?s=t

To join a Mastermind in this current day and age, it is basically a combination of the two definitions above – “A group of people who get together to plan and direct the execution of each individual’s ideas, projects or activities.”

Some Masterminds meet in person for an intense, multi-day, session.  Some Masterminds meet weekly, either in person or over videoconferencing, for a specific time-frame.  I’m sure there’s other formats out there, but these are the two I’m currently familiar with.  The Mastermind I joined met weekly over videoconferencing.  This allowed people from around the world to join in the sessions.

The format is simple – each week, a person in the group is the “focus” person.  The focus person brings an issue or project they are struggling with to the group and asks for ideas on how to solve the problem.  Each member of the group asks questions, if necessary, and then offers their own suggestions and ideas on how they would approach the issue or project.

I went into the sessions without having a clear idea of what I would be getting myself into.  I’m not even sure what I wanted out of the sessions for myself.  I explained that in the first session, nervous that they would point at me and declare me an intruder.  That didn’t happen – they, too, expressed that they didn’t know why they joined and only had vague ideas on what they wanted out of the sessions.

After the first session, I remembered a conversation I had with a family member a few months prior.  We were talking about the insights I had gained about myself earlier in the year – my desires, beliefs, actions; the impostor syndrome I struggled with; and my own lack of self-respect.  They commented, “This conversation is too deep for me!”  THAT is why I joined this Mastermind.  I want the deep conversations.  I want to dig down and find the root of an issue.  I want to know the “why” because the “why” explains the action.

Looking back at the 12 weeks, I have gained the following understandings of both myself and the world around me:

  • We all struggle with areas in our life that aren’t visible to others.
    • This should be a “no-brainer” – but sometimes you must remind yourself of this fact – at least, I do.
  • It is okay to be me and not apologize for it.
    • Using my strengths is not a weakness when others are threatened by them. That is their issue, not mine.
    • Keep doing and being me.
  • There is a solution to my problem/issue.
    • I just need to keep searching and asking until I find the right solution for me.
  • When I find a solution to my problem/issue, seeing the “finished” project in my head does NOT mean that the project is actually complete.
    • I tend to “see” projects in the finished state and when asked about the status of said project, replying with “it’s done”. Only one part – the planning step – is actually complete.  This doesn’t mean the project is complete.
    • This was a HUGE revelation to me! It explains why I have so many incomplete projects lying around in my world.

I’m still gaining insights into myself from things recommended and suggested during the 12 week Mastermind.  I have a list of books, podcasts and ideas waiting to be explored that were suggested, not only to me, but to the others in the group that I too want to dive deeper into.

I now have international friends I can connect with to explore ideas, share wins and encourage them in their struggles while they encourage me in mine.  This is the best take-away from the entire experience.

Would I join another Mastermind if time and money were not factors?  Absolutely.

Would I recommend you join a Mastermind if you are thinking about it?  Definitely.

I’ve spent the last couple of years attempting to make my life easier.  In some areas, I’ve been successful.  In other areas, I’m still a work in progress (I almost typed “failure” – but what is failure?  Just an idea that didn’t work.)

One of the areas I looked at was my wardrobe.  I researched capsule wardrobes and was initially intrigued, and then overwhelmed, and then stifled.

Making my life simpler does not include rotating cloths for the seasons.

Making my life simpler does not include mono-toned colors and patterns and accessorizing with scarves, purses and shoes.

Making my life simpler does not include checklists to make sure my wardrobe is “complete”.

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Don’t get me wrong – I am aware that capsule wardrobes are huge and people seem to love the idea.  I personally don’t know anyone who uses one – but that doesn’t mean the idea is wrong.

It’s just wrong for me.  I live in a location that doesn’t require rotating cloths for seasons (in Texas we have chilly, cool, just perfect, hot, sticky hot, and hot as hades weather – sometimes in the same day!).  I love color and sparkles.  I loathe scarves (I have no idea how to wear them, and with my extra-large girls hanging out on my chest, I don’t need any help accentuating them), I have just a couple of purses that I love and my shoes must be comfortable, yet cute.

I love checklists – so much so that Hun groans whenever I talk about one.  But one for clothes?  Come on!  There is a thing as too much of a good thing (if it works for you – great!  I’m not knocking that or you – it just isn’t necessary for me).

So…I didn’t do anything with my wardrobe except clean it out when Marie Kondo’s book, “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” stormed the world.  I actually bought her book about a month before it really took off.  I felt like I was on the cutting edge!

Everything that I didn’t love left my closet.  There were a couple of pieces of clothing I had to keep due to work requirements, but everything else that I didn’t love – gone!

Three large trash bags of cloths were donated to charity.  I was left with about 20 shirts, 7-9 pairs of pants/skirts, 4 sweaters/jackets and 2 dresses hanging in my closet.  I could move my hangers freely.  My clothes could “breathe”!

At the point that I cleaned out my closet, I worked in a position that required uniforms – but before that I worked in an office that was business casual.  I kept everything that I could still wear as a weekend/after-hours outfit.

When I switched jobs about a year later, the business casual outfits were once again in use full-time.  I started to panic that I didn’t have enough work cloths.  It bothers me to wear the same thing every week to the office.  It depresses me and affects my mood.  But since I was only working part-time, I could not justify the added expense of new cloths.

One day, after about 6 months at my new position, a coworker asked me, “Is that a new outfit?”

Me – “No, it’s not.”

Her – “Then it’s a new shirt?”

Me – “No, I’ve worn this at least 3 times since I started working here.”

Her – “Huh, well…it looks different.”

I thought nothing of her comment at the time other than to realize – people really don’t pay much attention!

But…then something else happened recently.

I’m part of a group that recently issued a challenge – “Lay your cloths out the night before to help you be more productive in the morning.”

I commented, “Hmmm…I already have a system in place for this, but it doesn’t involve “laying clothes out the night before”.  All of my clothes (except for a very few, event specific items) are worn on a 4-5 week cycle.  Does that count?”

An astonished poster commented on my post, “You mean you have a plan on what you’ll wear each day for the next month?”

Not exactly – the closet and my system “plans” the outfits for me.

And that is when I realized that my “capsule wardrobe failure” is actually a success.

Most of my shirts will pair with most of my pants/skirts.  Most of my sweaters/jackets will pair with most of my outfits.

My shirts are my accessories with the colors, patterns and bling/sparkles.

All of my clothes can be dressed up or dressed down – depending on the occasion.

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My solid royal purple shirt goes well with my grey pants, black pants, white pants, jeans, shorts and black and while patterned skirt.  Each time I pair it with a different bottom, it is a new outfit.

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My tie-dyed inspired pink, brown, orange and white shirt goes well with jeans, shorts and either my brown or white pants.  Paired with a brown sweater, it’s a whole new look.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wear the clothes that are “closest to the back” today, each day.  By doing this – each item is worn on a regular basis.

Why don’t I just pull from the front?  Because that’s where I hang the clothes that I just washed – pushing the older clothes to the back of the racks.  Isn’t that what most people do with their freshly washed clothes?  If I pulled from the front – I’ll be wearing the same items I just wore this week – and I abhor wearing the same thing over and over again!

Why don’t I just put the freshly washed clothes in the back?  Because doing that would cause my “special occasion” clothes to eventually make their way to the front – where I don’t want to see them when I first walk in the closet every morning (I know…I know…picky picky picky!).  Do you want to see your ski pants or ugly holiday sweater in July?  Besides – I’m usually rushing to hang clothes up just to be done with laundry – I don’t want to think about how to hang the cloths up any more than I want to spend time thinking about what I’m going to wear each morning.

So…how long does it take me to pick out my clothing each morning?  Depends on the day.  I spend more time thinking about what I want to wear on the weekends and my days off than I do on work days.

On work days, it takes me about 30 seconds to go to the back of my closet, skip the “special occasion” tops, grab the first top that was worn the longest ago, pair it with a bottom and decide if I want a sweater or jacket or not (usually yes – our office is FREEZING!).

On weekends, I consider what I’m doing that day, who I might see, where I might go, what I might do, what kind of mood I’m in, what the weather is going to be like where I’ll be, and if there is anything “special” about the above.  Will I need a change of clothes, should I layer, did I wear this to that event last time, and on and on and on.

I’ve spent more time than I care to admit attempting to figure out what I plan on wearing to Walmart than what I wear to work.  There’s something not quite right about me apparently…

So there you have it – my solution to my capsule wardrobe failure…uh…I mean…success!

 

Special Projects

My Mantra for the year is “Accomplish”.

What can I accomplish?

What have I accomplished?

What should I accomplish?

What will I accomplish?

I have attempted to be mindful of this mantra all year.

Whenever I am feeling down, I am attempting to redirect my thoughts to everything that I have accomplished so far and what I will continue to accomplish in the upcoming months.

There are some situations that this process does not work well with.  I’m dealing with one of those situations now at work.

I’ve accomplished a great deal at work in the last 7 months.  Special projects that were assigned to me that were in complete disarray when I first glimpsed them.

Most of the projects are still “works in progress” – they will not be solved overnight – or even within months.  The fact that progress is being made – that is the accomplishment that I’m most proud of.

“Rome wasn’t built in a day” and neither will these special projects be completed in a month (or even, in some cases, a year or more).

So, why am I feeling a sense of failure?

That’s easy to answer – on the surface – I have a coworker who constantly questions my method and ability to complete these projects.  She has no interest in taking these projects over – it appears she just wants to nit-pick my methods and point out every mistake she thinks I have made.

That leads me to doubt my process.  I’ve made several mistakes in the implementing of my processes – some pointed out by others; some discovered as a result of just following through steps that I thought would work one way, but reality showed a different outcome.  Weeding out what does and doesn’t work is part of the process as well.  I welcome the process of improving my processes – that helps everyone.

So…why is her involvement in my projects causing this sense of failure?

I’m searching for answers on this and not finding them – at least not an easy answer.

In the past, I have been told that I need to “let go of my perfectionism”.  I don’t believe I am perfect – I do want criticism and constructive feedback on how to make a process better.

I do not appreciate being told “you are wrong – because I said so”; which is what I’m hearing from my coworker.

So – how do I change what I’m hearing from a place of negativity to a view of positivity?

Telling myself, “She’s trying to tell you your process needs improvement – she just doesn’t know how to say that in a constructive way” helps, but falls short of the mark for me.

Trying to read between her lines is tiring and exhausting.  I like to tell people, “I failed mind-reading class.”  Attempting to clarify what she is saying has backfired in the past as she responded as though I was attacking her and I’m hesitant to try again.

I cannot change her, I can only change myself.  So…how can I accomplish this?  Something new to add to my list of special projects.

I Am Learning

It’s been three months since I posted last.  I’m not even sure what I posted – just that it’s been that long ago.

I’ve had a lot going on these past few months.  I joined, and have now completed, a twelve week mastermind group.  I’ve completed several projects and goals – both personal and professional.  And I’m continuing on my journey to figuring out who I am.

There’s a lot to be said about looking inward and figuring out who you are.  Plenty of people with more verbal wisdom than myself have been able to express it more eloquently than I have.  I know that for myself, digging deeper into who I truly am versus who I actually show to the world, has been eye-opening and transformational.

I am learning to say no when I need to.

I am learning to say yes when I want to.

And I am learning that the only person who should care about my answers is me.

I said no to my boss at work recently.  She was suggesting I volunteer for a project that has no direct impact on my job and one that I have no interest in (and gave me the opportunity to decline the project).  I thought about it for several days before giving her an answer.  I considered all sorts of angles – political, organizational, networking, potential knowledge gain and experience.  None of the angles had any benefit to myself that I could discern.  At least, not enough benefit to outweigh the fact that I had no desire to do the project at all.

My working world didn’t end when I told her no.

When I said yes to the mastermind – I had no idea what I was in for.  I compare it to a group therapy session where you’re putting your personal problems out there and listening to possible solutions to those problems.  The problems our group had were both professional and personal – help with email organization, how to make time for ourselves, how to say no without sounding like a witch, how to leverage our strengths while still working on our weaknesses.

I learned that I love to create.

I learned that I love to help others think through their problems.

I learned that I need to love myself for who I am – regardless of what others think of me.

I learned that I have a lot to offer the world just by being me – imperfections and all.

When someone tells me “quit trying to be so perfect” – I now have a new response of “I’m being me, nothing more, nothing less.”  They’re the one who is intimidated by my “perfectionism” – not me.  Being self-assured is not the same as being arrogant – although I understand why people confuse the two.

I know who I am and I know I’m a work in progress.  I’m not going to dim my light because someone else doesn’t want me shining a light on their own darkness.

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Filling The Void

I’m in a weird spot at the moment.  Weird for me anyway.

My mind is blank.

There’s nothing in it that is causing me to stress, worry or plan.

I’m at a loss for what to do with this emptiness.

There are no future plans for me to work on currently.

There are no external events happening for me to stress over.

Nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  Zero.

So…what do I do with my time?

Nothing productive – I can tell you that!

I should be studying.  I’m not.  I should be planning the next home improvement project.  They’re already planned.  I should be stressing over what to do with Monkey over the summer vacation.  She’s 16, she doesn’t want to spend it with us, so will end up going to her mom’s house for most of the time – her mom will have to take over the stress this time!

I joined and was accepted into the Mastermind Group.  We’re two weeks in to the 12 week course.  Next week is my week to share what I am struggling with and what I would like help with.

I can’t figure out a good answer to that right now.

I’m happy with my decision to not change jobs – however, my current job’s management is getting on my nerves.  I have a coworker that needs help, but refuses to allow me to help her (I’ve offered multiple times); causing chaos in the office when her work is less than stellar.

Hun is stressed and depressed – but I don’t know how to help him in a way that will allow me to help (we don’t have the money for what he wants – a new boat).

We should be filing for bankruptcy – Hun and I have decided to hold off on that for now – we want to explore another avenue that won’t be available until August.

So…what to do…what to do…

I seem to thrive on my schedule being just a tad bit hectic – almost not enough time to finish everything – but just barely.  Now that it’s not, I don’t know how to fill the void.

I now know my passion is to create – but how do I handle the lull between projects?

Maturity

While everything in my previous post was happening, I also had a couple of more things going on in my head and mind.

My mind is always a constant whirlwind of thought and ideas and schemes.  Analyzing, considering, rearranging and running through scenarios of what could, should, might happen if XYZ or ABC happens instead.  I see patterns and trends and can intuit things before most others even hint that the event may happen.

Because of everything going on in my mind, sometimes it’s hard for me to step back and allow myself time for just me.  I can see the patterns in everyone else, but reflecting on my own joys and desires is difficult.  It feels selfish, even though I know logically it is not.

So, I have considered and finally agreed to join a mastermind group.

My understanding of the group is that it is for personal growth and accountability through sharing ideas, hopes, dreams and struggles.  As I have never done anything like this before, I am excited and a little nervous to hear back on whether I have been accepted or not into the group.  Stay tuned for more info!

I’ve also been considering what I could do for Rowdy for his birthday coming up.

He will be 19 and is still living with his mom, Jetsam.  He’s been through several jobs, none of them long-term, and still does not have a driver’s license or vehicle.  He has to rely on Jetsam, LaLa or friends to give him rides to work and this has partially played a role in his work history.

I sent him a text asking if we could talk.  He responded and we figured out a time frame that would work for both of us.  I picked him up on my way home from work and we talked while I was making dinner.  We actually laughed and joked through several things and while not completely relaxed, it seemed comfortable to me.

We talked about what he wanted for his birthday – and he was quick to point out that he “wanted” a lot of things, but that he “needed” a driver’s license, a vehicle and a job.  I was proud of him for making that distinction on his own!  I pointed out that while his dad and I probably couldn’t buy him a vehicle, there may be other things we could do to help him out.

We did a little research and found out due to his age that he could do online driver’s education course for only $50.00 and about 6 hours of coursework.  He could then qualify for his permit and/or go straight to the driving test and hopefully pass and get his license.  I offered to pay for the course and allow him to use our computer at any point to work on and finish the course.  He seemed thankful for the offer and stated he would let me know when his schedule was open for working on the course as he already had several prior commitments.

We talked about many things that night.  One of the things Rowdy mentioned was that he was a “dumb know-it-all teenager who wouldn’t have listened to our concerns, even if we had expressed it in a way he would have understood.”  I had to bite my tongue to not comment that he was still a “teenager”.  It wasn’t what he was trying to convey in that moment.

I heard something entirely different.  It was the closest I have ever heard him come to an apology for how he treated us when he lived with us before.  I will probably never hear an actual apology from him for how he disrespected me through the years.  Hearing a true apology will probably make me cry.  At this point, I don’t need to hear one to be honest.

Watching and listening to him mature, speaking about things that I know he learned from us, is all that I need or want from him.  It is all I ever wanted from any of the kids.  To know they will be able to take care of themselves as adults and be safe.

I’m so proud of Rowdy!