10 Years

Today is mine and Hun’s 10^th wedding anniversary!

Woohoo!

We made it without killing each other!  Just teasing!  I love Hun and I know he loves me – we’ve got another 10 years (at least) before we come close to thinking about whether jail time would be worth it or not (still kidding!).

Are we going to continue making it?  I sure hope so!  But I’m realistic enough to know that not all fairy tales end in a happy ending.  Let’s look at some statistics for second marriages (from this link):

Overall though, statistics on second marriages show that they have a higher failure rate than first marriages.

Studies show that 15% of second marriages end in divorce after 3 years and around 25% end in divorce after 5 years.

Research shows that second marriages are more likely to fail if:

the couple has a low income
the wife has poor educational achievement
the wife gave birth within 7 months of her first wedding
the wife is older than her husband
the couple live in the Northeast or Midwest

A second marriage is 44% more likely to fail after 10 years if the wife had children by her first husband, during her first marriage.

Whew!  We, specifically I, do not fall under any of those first categories.

Except that last one.  The last one – the one about being married for 10 years – was something I wasn’t expecting to read and is a little concerning.  I’m not going to stress about it (too much), but I would like to explore the possible reasons why.

Why, after 10 years, would the fact that a woman having a child with the first husband, suddenly appear to be a significant issue?

Every relationship is different, so I can only go by my own personal experience.

My belief is because the child(ren) might have been young when the second marriage occurred and are now becoming teenagers at this point and are testing the boundaries.  They are pushing back and exerting their independence in all sorts of ways.  Couple this testing of boundaries with Mommy Guilt or Disney Dad syndrome and you have parents who, instead of acting like parents, cater to their child(ren) so they don’t “hate” the parent.

Catering to the child(ren) in turn leaves the step-parent frustrated because they can see how the child(ren)’s behavior can be potentially negative in the future.  So the step-parent “talks” to the bio-parent that they are married to about how they are raising their child(ren).  This can be seen by the bio-parent as criticizing their child(ren) and by extension, the parent, for their implied lack of parenting skills.  The discussion turns less towards the child(ren)’s behavior and instead focuses like a laser beam onto the adults as they try to insist the other is wrong and possibly worse.  Battle ensues.  Instead of the focus being on how to help the child(ren), the focus instead turns to defensive positions and who can get the last attack in before the battle is “lost”.  The “war” is lost by all sides when a divorce is filed for (I’m not talking about those marriages that are abusive or other large indiscretions….just the ones where minor differences, attitudes or history are too big to overcome).

The parents and step-parents hit this naturally stressful point in raising child(ren) and it becomes a battle of “either me or your child” and that’s not a statement that should ever be uttered in a second marriage!  No matter who has the child(ren), the other adult should never ask the parent to pick – the child(ren) will win out every time.  That’s the nature of being a parent.

What people in second marriages usually fail to recognize is that the child(ren) testing the boundaries happen in first marriages as well.  Not a single marriage/parenting event is immune to this happening – if it was immune I would not have run away from home where my parents are still married and Greg wouldn’t have given the same parents as many fits as he did as a teenager either.  The difference is our parents survived and are still going strong today.

When Hun and I were first married, he wondered aloud if we would make it longer than either of our first marriages survived (2 years for me, 7 years for him).  I told him we would make it if we decided to make it and not a single day longer.

When Hun wondered aloud, again, the same question when we hit our 3 year anniversary, I told him he had already lasted longer than Flotsam did, so he should feel better about that because I certainly did.  I wasn’t ready to kick him to the curb just yet, but promised him I would let him know if I ever reached that point.  He was somewhat relieved.

At our 7 year anniversary, Hun put me through some trying times.  We hit our “7 year itch” so to speak.  He was just certain I would begin cheating on him and leave because that’s what Jetsam did to him.  It took almost a full year, anniversary year 8, before he settled down and realized I was in the marriage for the long-haul and that we had survived longer than his first marriage had.

Now we’re at 10 years and still going strong.  We have our issues and there are days I wonder why I married the lug, but all in all, it has been worth it.

Here’s to another 10, 20 and maybe even 30 years Hun!  I love you!

It’s A Start

I’m trying to figure out something positive to post for the New Year….

I’m struggling to put it mildly.

It seems that the “miracle” of Christmas was short-lived and reality has snuck back in.  Monkey continues to push all boundaries and has succeeded in getting herself suspended from school for a day.  Hun wants to continue to hide his head in the sand regarding his daughter’s behavior, while claiming he’s dealing with it in a less than direct way, and Jetsam wants to blame us for all of Monkey’s choices.

Flotsam hasn’t seen his son since Ursula’s funeral (September 23^rd).  He continues to call Buddy up on a semi-regular basis to cry his sob story on why visitation won’t happen this weekend, again.  The conversations last all of 5 minutes if Flotsam’s in a particularly chatty mood.  I get that he might possibly be depressed from his wife’s passing – if it weren’t for the fact that this was standard operating procedure from him for the years before he met and married her.  It’s probably been over a year since I’ve seen any child support from him.

Work continues to be challenging in more ways than I can count.  I had a post all ready to go the other day regarding my job and my struggles in it, but cyber-space ate it.  I can’t even complain properly it seems.

To top it all off, Hun and I got into such a serious argument this morning that he actually asked me at one point if I’m going to divorce him.  Divorce him over what we were currently arguing about?  No.  Divorce him because I commented that if I left the house this morning when we were both demanding the other leave, that I wouldn’t be back for a very long time?  No.  Considering my options on what I’ve been going through regarding his/our kids and our overall household stress, and the lack of support from Hun towards me regarding his kids?  Yes.

I can’t say that I haven’t been thinking back to when I was a single mom and how less stressful my life was when I was only responsible for myself and Buddy.  I think about the fact that I was making less than half of what I currently make now and was able to survive a pretty decent life.  I think about a lot of things, all of the time, but I’m nowhere near ready to act on my thoughts.  I have asked myself recently what it would take to actually get me to the point of stating, “I want a divorce”.  I don’t have an answer for that because I’m not there yet.  Not by a long shot.

Are things heading that way?  That depends on the moment.  So far the moments leaning towards divorce are few and far between and I intend to keep it that way to the best of my ability.

On one hand, I know I would survive just fine without Hun and his children in my life.  However, I would be sad and depressed beyond belief because as much as they all frustrate me at any given moment, I still love each and every one of them.

On the other hand, I know that the teenage years are usually the most stressful for any parent/marriage.  I witnessed my own parents fighting like Hun and I did this morning.  There was one argument that was so bad that it had Greg and I asking each other who the other would go with if Mom and Dad actually divorced.

Mom and Dad survived it – so will Hun and I.

At least – I hope so….

I did think of a positive comment – Monkey has started counseling and so have I.  We’ve each been to one appointment so far.

At least it’s a start – right?

I love you Hun

Today is my 9^th wedding anniversary to Hun.  Neither of us ever thought we would make it this far in our marriage.  Let’s face it – the statistics don’t lie.  People who divorce and then remarry have some of the highest rates of divorcing again in the country.  As this is our 2^nd marriage for both of us, we didn’t enter into the marriage blind to those facts, but we did hold out hope that we would be among the lucky ones and beat the odds.  So far – we have!

Since this day is for remembering our love for each other, I want to share with you what I love about Hun the most:

I love his laugh, but I really love his giggle.  He has the best giggle of any grown man I know.  When something truly tickles him, this bear of a man turns into the greatest teddy bear I know and will let out this wonderful giggle.  It’s both shocking and heartwarming to hear it come from him because it’s usually so totally unexpected.

I love how he makes up little nicknames for me.  Karaboo – oh yeah, that’s totally him.  I hated the name at first (what woman doesn’t want to be referred to as a big, clumsy, goofy looking animal after all?), but after realizing that Hun was the first person to EVER give me a nickname of any kind, I came around to loving it.

I love how Hun melts into a puddle when there is a baby around.  He can’t help but make silly faces at them, giggle and play peek-a-boo.  I have yet to see a baby that didn’t instantly start smiling, cooing, or giggling themselves.  He just has that type of sway with babies.  While I hope that there is still 10 years (at minimum) before this happens, I can’t wait to see him with his own grandbabies.   They will have him wrapped around their little fingers.

I love that he can fix things.  So far, he has been able to fix anything I have thrown at him that was broken.  No, I didn’t break it by throwing it AT him….it was already broken, thankyouverymuch!  Vehicle making a funny noise?  He can fix it.  Toilet running all day and night?  He can fix that too.  Install a new ceiling fan?  Piece of cake!  He can almost do it with his eyes closed.  Need a brand new master bedroom and bathroom installed out of nothing?  Okay, that took us three years to complete from start to finish, but he/we did it!

I love his touch.  Hun loves to cuddle.  On the couch, in the vehicle, on the beach, in bed – it doesn’t matter where, he loves to curl up around me and I love it that he does.

I love his perfectionism – no really!  I do!  You see, he gets it when I’m having a total meltdown because something isn’t going perfect for me.  He’ll either help me to make it perfect, remind me that it’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of life, or leave me alone in my tantrum.  Plus, we’re perfectionists at different things, so when he’s having a meltdown, I’m able to help him as well.

I love that he is still growing as a person.  He doesn’t automatically think he’s right (like Flotsam), he doesn’t think the world owes him anything (like Jetsam), and he listens to people’s opinions, gathers the facts, and then decides on his own how he will proceed.  Over the past 9+ years, we have had some knock-down, drag-out fights over things…..things that I can’t even remember what they were about.  Basically, we were fighting to have our own opinions, feelings and passions heard.  Neither of us had that in our first marriage and we’ve learned to listen to the other when we are disagreeing.  It’s usually for a good reason.  Except for our very first argument around 9 years ago about the Corvette (that we will maybe, someday, hopefully own) – I’m totally in the right on that one and he is so totally wrong!  I don’t care what Hun says about it!!

I even love that he loves The Mistress.  How else am I going to get time for myself for my spa days?

9 years and our love is still going strong.  Here’s to another 9 and beyond. 

I love you Hun.