There comes a time in every parent’s life that they must discipline their child for something they have done. Maybe it is staying out past curfew. Maybe it is for lying. Maybe it is for not turning their homework in. Maybe it is for disrespect. Or maybe it is because the parent is just Evil and wants to ruin the child’s life forever!
Okay – so maybe that last one is from the child’s perspective (at least I hope so!!).
When that time comes, a parent must first figure out what will “work” with their child to encourage the proper behavior. Some kids are able to take correction with just an explanation and correction. Others are a little more stubborn and like to test the limits. When the child is young, counting to three, placing in time out or removing them from the situation may work. With older kids, it is extra chores, or no TV, or grounding to their room.
A parent must also know their child and themselves. What works with one child, might not work with another and the parent must be willing to be flexible with each child. Also, if the punishment is too restrictive or harsh, the parent might find it hard to follow through on their end. This last point is probably the most important – a parent MUST be willing to follow through on the punishment that was decided on. If the parent is not willing to do that, then any hope of teaching the child will be lost. The child will instead learn to manipulate the adult to get what they want.
Is that what we want our children to learn? Of course it isn’t – so we parents keep trying to learn what will “work” with our child.
Now that LaLa is older, taking her phone and I-Pod away works wonders for her. When she was younger, it was grounding her from the library. The LIBRARY?!?!? What sane parent grounds their child from the library? We did. She would check out 8-10 books every 2 weeks, read them all and repeat the cycle. She didn’t care about being grounded to her room (more time to read), or from the TV (more time to read), or from her friends (more time to read). For her, it made sense to ground her from books. She got the point and started doing what we asked her to do so she would have more time to read.
With Buddy, it has always been grounded from TV and video games. That boy loves to play his games – always has, probably always will. He’s got a personality that loves to please anyway, so it’s not hard to get him to do what he needs to do. Removing the TV and video games is just the encouragement he needs to remember to do those things.
Rowdy is different. Grounding him to his rooms is the absolutely worst thing you could do to him. He views it as torture. With ADHD, he cannot stand to be restricted to one place. He’d rather be outside, running, jumping, whatever, to expend all of his pent up energy. Give him manual labor and he’s fine with it – to a point. Ground him from TV, no problem, he’d rather be outside anyway. This latest round of fighting on his part got him sent to our alternative school – which is basically grounded to a classroom, no one to talk to, no opportunity to stretch like he’d prefer, and any misstep lands him in the school for even longer than he was sentenced there for (they are VERY strict). He’s been toeing the line for 4 weeks now and only acting out at home since he has nowhere else to blow off steam. It seems to be working for him.
Monkey on the other hand….she’s been a tough nut to crack.
We’ve tried just about everything with her. She’s been grounded, extra chores, no friends, no TV, no music, no nothing. The encouragement to do the right thing is met with agreement and then ignored as she does whatever she wants to do anyway. Right now, we’re trying to get through to her that her behavior and attitude is highly disrespectful. She’s been in trouble most of the school year for disrespecting her teachers and was recently suspended from school (again) for her disrespect.
Thankfully, since we’ve already sent 3 other kids through this school, the teachers and administrators all know us from dealing with Rowdy and they know we’re trying to help on our end as well. The issues with Monkey are getting so bad, the school is at the end of their rope as well and state the next step for her is to be placed in a similar setting that Rowdy is in, an alternative school for 6th graders (they won’t put her in the same place as Rowdy as those are all High Schoolers – they don’t need them giving the younger kids any extra ideas!).
In talking with my friend Kate about all of our struggles with Monkey, she suggested having Monkey read and write a book report on a biography/autobiography. I’ll be honest and say I was skeptical. After all, I didn’t want to punish a child with something that would make them hate school work more. But, we have almost hit the end of our rope with her, so I was willing to try anything.
She started reading the book, “The Hiding Place” the other day. She has to write a 4-6 sentence summary after each chapter explaining what the book is about. She HATES it. She generally likes to read young adult literature, but by her own choosing, not ours. She’s currently on day 4 of having to read “The Hiding Place” and it is pure torture for her. The other night, she tried to pop-off a smart-alec remark to Hun and I and I told her to keep it up and I’d add another reading assignment to her current list, “The Diary of Anne Frank” sounded good to me. She changed her attitude pretty quickly.
This may not be the perfect solution, but so far it seems to be working. As an added benefit, she’s reading (which is the class she’s getting into the most trouble in), learning, and will maybe think the material the teacher is giving her isn’t quite so boring.
Keep your fingers crossed for us!
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Nice! I love that moment when you finally figure out what punishment works best. And, I love that it’s working, and is one that is easier to enforce! That is a big part, making sure you can follow through. Mostly though, I love that I put the idea in your head! 🙂
And I love that you gave it to me! Thank you!
Good luck, gosh parenthood is a minefield. My little one is only 20 months and am dreading all this. It’s inevitable and just around the corner no doubt. Children keep you on your toes don’t they?
They sure do! 20 months old is such a fun age! And then you blink your eyes and they are teenagers – ugh! We’ll survive though – I just know it!
Thank you for stopping by! I appreciate it!
Hi
We have very different ways but same difficulties and hopefully ultimately the same outcome!
Hi! Thank you for stopping by!
Kids can be difficult, but so rewarding at the same time – I still have the faith that everything will work out!
Yes, every child has a different passion and a different motivator. Sounds like you may have found the right one for your daughter. Good luck!
I hope so! Thank you for the luck – we’re going to need it! I hope you find what helps your daughter as well.
My mother used to send me to my room and take my books away – that was the worst because I had nothing to do but think about what I had done! I even remember trying to convince her that as a teacher she should be encouraging me to read and thus further my education – LOL.
Hang in there and remember my favorite Bible passage “And it came to pass…” because what if it came to stay?
LOL! Glad we’re not the only ones to think about grounding by TAKING books away – whatever works right?
Came to stay? EEK! Hush your mouth!!! 😉
Fingers and toes crossed. 😉
Thank you!!
Reading and writing is always good to me. I hope she comes to enjoy the book and that reading and writing don’t turn into a chore.
I definitely don’t want to turn reading into a chore for her, but if coupling it with a book report is what “works” for her to curb her attitude problem, then I’m willing to try it!
In looking at my books from when I was in school, I discovered I still have “The Grape of Wrath”, “Robinson Crusoe”, and “Little Women”. I think those will be next on the list of “must” reads since I have them readily available (I’d have to go pick up Anne Frank – not that I wouldn’t, but I like having something within arms reach).
I don’t know her age but there are tons of YA titles that you may conisder after Anne Frank.
I hope it works out.
I think it’s a great way for her to to read something and respond, another thing you might try is to get her to journal… Get those feelings OUT! I’ve seen on pinterest some great ideas for journaling WITH your kids too. It’s an open book that they write to you how they’re feeling when they can’t explain it gracefully and you get a chance to read it, think on it, and respond. You can also write to them to tell them when they’re doing well and making you proud. So many teen girls have so many emotions running through them that they don’t always know how to express it correctly, maybe giving her an outlet to put her frustrations (maybe one for just her and one for ya’ll to share) would help her. Not that you asked for my input, lol… 😉
I welcome everyone’s input! (Even if I might not agree with it – not the case here!).
I like the idea of journaling – that’s mostly what I do here. I’m not sure if she would be willing to journal with me/her dad – after all, I’m her step-mom and thus the “enemy”. Not helpful that her mom encourages the “enemy” stand-point with all of her kids. 😦
We do have her in counseling as well, so she does have a place to vent in safely. I will suggest the idea to her….maybe she’ll surprise me and say yes!
A book report would do it for me! I love to read, but I don’t want to write about it.
Funny, my oldest stepdaughter would hate to be grounded from reading. I laughed when I read that part. She is constantly reading, even in the bathroom!
Funny what works for one child and not another! I still laugh at the fact that we had to ground her from the library! I’m not so sure she thought it was funny….
was reading your blog today (have been a previous reader/commenter) but couldn’t comment on the entry I wanted to – maybe comments were turned off? but anyway maybe whenever Jetsam tries the blaming thing when you try and discuss the kid’s behavior problem you could tell her “we need to come together to solve this problem (whatever it is) and quit dredging up the past because that’s not going to help solve the problem(s) it really doesn’t matter anymore how we got here we just have to concentrate on solving this problem for the future
Welcome back! Sorry you weren’t able to comment on the post you wanted to, I’ll try and figure out why.
As for telling Jetsam what you’ve suggested – we’ve tried. Her response has been, “the future can’t be figured out until the past is solved”. What she wants from us is to say/admit that she’s right and we’re wrong even if that’s a lie. The truth probably lies in the middle of what she believes and what we believe. I’m realistic enough to realize that, even if I don’t want to admit that she may be partially right – on anything! 🙂
Good for you for being the tough parent and the smart parent, Boo. The heck with the whole BFF thing. Too many parents want to go that route, and it never works. And thanks for the Like on my marathon blogpost.