While everything in my previous post was happening, I also had a couple of more things going on in my head and mind.

My mind is always a constant whirlwind of thought and ideas and schemes.  Analyzing, considering, rearranging and running through scenarios of what could, should, might happen if XYZ or ABC happens instead.  I see patterns and trends and can intuit things before most others even hint that the event may happen.

Because of everything going on in my mind, sometimes it’s hard for me to step back and allow myself time for just me.  I can see the patterns in everyone else, but reflecting on my own joys and desires is difficult.  It feels selfish, even though I know logically it is not.

So, I have considered and finally agreed to join a mastermind group.

My understanding of the group is that it is for personal growth and accountability through sharing ideas, hopes, dreams and struggles.  As I have never done anything like this before, I am excited and a little nervous to hear back on whether I have been accepted or not into the group.  Stay tuned for more info!

I’ve also been considering what I could do for Rowdy for his birthday coming up.

He will be 19 and is still living with his mom, Jetsam.  He’s been through several jobs, none of them long-term, and still does not have a driver’s license or vehicle.  He has to rely on Jetsam, LaLa or friends to give him rides to work and this has partially played a role in his work history.

I sent him a text asking if we could talk.  He responded and we figured out a time frame that would work for both of us.  I picked him up on my way home from work and we talked while I was making dinner.  We actually laughed and joked through several things and while not completely relaxed, it seemed comfortable to me.

We talked about what he wanted for his birthday – and he was quick to point out that he “wanted” a lot of things, but that he “needed” a driver’s license, a vehicle and a job.  I was proud of him for making that distinction on his own!  I pointed out that while his dad and I probably couldn’t buy him a vehicle, there may be other things we could do to help him out.

We did a little research and found out due to his age that he could do online driver’s education course for only $50.00 and about 6 hours of coursework.  He could then qualify for his permit and/or go straight to the driving test and hopefully pass and get his license.  I offered to pay for the course and allow him to use our computer at any point to work on and finish the course.  He seemed thankful for the offer and stated he would let me know when his schedule was open for working on the course as he already had several prior commitments.

We talked about many things that night.  One of the things Rowdy mentioned was that he was a “dumb know-it-all teenager who wouldn’t have listened to our concerns, even if we had expressed it in a way he would have understood.”  I had to bite my tongue to not comment that he was still a “teenager”.  It wasn’t what he was trying to convey in that moment.

I heard something entirely different.  It was the closest I have ever heard him come to an apology for how he treated us when he lived with us before.  I will probably never hear an actual apology from him for how he disrespected me through the years.  Hearing a true apology will probably make me cry.  At this point, I don’t need to hear one to be honest.

Watching and listening to him mature, speaking about things that I know he learned from us, is all that I need or want from him.  It is all I ever wanted from any of the kids.  To know they will be able to take care of themselves as adults and be safe.

I’m so proud of Rowdy!