I’m on a mission of self-discover this year it seems.

One of the themes that appeares in many of my previous posts is learning to love myself for who I am.  Acceptance of myself doesn’t come easy for me.  I’ve had years of practice where I was constantly and consistently attempting to change who I was to fit in to the society around me.  It led to repeated frustration and heartache.

Embracing who I truly am has been a struggle.

Would people like me still?

Should I care?

Would others understand why I’m doing what I do?

Would they care?

How do I go about loving myself?  This is a hard question to ask myself.  Some days it is easy – others, it’s a struggle.

I failed to love myself this weekend.

Hun and I went camping with family.  Hun and I were the first to arrive at camp – the first for us!  We’re usually the last – setting up camp in the dark, tired and frustrated from the day.  We began setting up and my sinuses rebelled against the Texas bane of existence – mountain cedar.  I sneezed, I dripped, I hacked, and I coughed – non-stop.

Family showed up – I was quickly nick-named Rudolph.  And then they saw how miserable I was and the teasing stopped.  I was offered and took so many different allergy medications that I was beginning to worry that I might over-dose on them.  I was in bed by 8pm – hours earlier than anyone else.

I woke the next morning, feeling the same as the night before.  More medicine and right back to bed.  When I finally awoke, I felt better, but wanted nothing to do with camping any longer – and I love camping!

Hun took one look at me and asked, in front of everyone, “Do you want to go home?”

I shook my head no, “I’ll be fine.”

The rest of the weekend was just as miserable, if not worse.

So why did I not say what was in my heart – “YES!  I want to go home!!”  Hun asked me that later – and I finally admitted why I said no – because I wouldn’t have been able to help pack up – not like I usually do.  Because everyone else would have felt compelled to help Hun while I just sat there, trying not to sneeze and wheeze.  NONE of my family would have minded.  They knew how miserable I was.  They know I’m the first to help, whenever I can.

But in my head, I couldn’t accept their help.

I don’t know why and I’m trying to figure it out.

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I received a text this morning from one of my cousins that went camping with us.  They’ve planned another campout and informed me of the plan.

Even though I had been sick, I heard about some others (not family), that might be attending.

There’s some tension there between me and another.

I texted back that I would have to think about the invite, a vague why I was hesitating, and that I would get back with her.  She was surprise to hear of my hesitation, was unaware of the tension, but gracious in her answer.

So I have to ask myself – why am I hesitating?

Am I avoiding making myself uncomfortable or am I trying to love myself enough to avoid the pain this other person has already caused me?

Should I confront the problem or avoid it?

What will bring me the most peace?

I don’t know.  And it’s maddening to be in this position for me.