I haven’t blogged in a while.  I’ve been trying to decide if I want to continue or not.  I’m not sure if this is still my season.  After all – there is a time for everything….

From a mental stand point, I’ve had a horrible last couple of days.  My mind will not turn off when something is bothering it.  It keeps me awake and doesn’t allow me any mental peace.  I tend to lash out at Hun when I’m like this.  It isn’t his fault.  I’m so sorry Hun.

From the outside, the weekend was spectacular – I spent Saturday with LaLa, friends and girls from my family having lunch and painting; and Sunday lazing around the house doing not much of anything.  Outwardly, I had a lot of fun!

I’ve tried to put my mind to sleep.  It won’t listen.  From past experience, it will only rest when I’ve gotten what’s rattling around inside, out.  So I’m going to release what is torturing my mind out into the universe.  Maybe I can get some sleep tonight – I do have to work tomorrow after all.

Once again, we discovered Monkey actively going against our rules.  I had known for several weeks that something was up – I didn’t confront her until I had proof.

One of the first “signs” of proof I had was my Mom asking what had happened this time with Monkey as she had posted a very unflattering comment on Facebook about her father, Hun.  Something along the lines of Hun being, “a sperm donor” was posted several days before Mom brought it up to me.  Neither Hun nor I had seen the post, so I knew immediately that she had blocked us again (one of our rules was that we were not to be blocked).

I brought this information to Hun’s attention (not in a good way – again…I am very sorry Hun!  You didn’t deserve my outburst).  He, in turn, brought it to Jetsam’s attention on Saturday while I was away painting.

Jetsam’s response was agreement with Monkey!

I am beyond livid at this.  How dare she?  I am ashamed of her as a mother.  I am ashamed that she calls herself a mother.  She should be ashamed of herself, but alas, I suspect she is not.

Why in the world would they refer to Hun as this?  Confronting Monkey gave me no answer.  She had no reason she could explain to me why she would say or believe this.

I want to just shake Jetsam and scream at her.  I want to remind her that Hun has ALWAYS been there for his children – both physically, monetarily, and emotionally – where she hasn’t always been there for them.

I want to remind her that SHE is the one that was pregnant by another man, before her and Hun’s divorce was finalized.  And that the guy who got her pregnant has never once paid a dime in support and has been in his child’s life less than 6 months total.

I want to remind her that SHE is the one who insists we don’t love the children, just because we don’t give in to their every whim.  That just because we have rules and structure and accountability and parent differently than she does, doesn’t make us horrible parents.

I want to remind her that SHE is the one that insisted they not show any affection towards me.  That she insisted they couldn’t trust me, couldn’t count on me and couldn’t believe anything I said.  When this subject comes up, the kids can never remember anything where I lied to them, didn’t support them, or wasn’t there for them.  It is ALL a mental game to appease their mom, protect themselves from her anger towards me and not appear to be choosing me over her.

I want to remind her that being divorced parents does not mean that whichever parent the child hates, the other parent has won.  How horrible for the child!

I want to confront her, shake her silly and insist she listen.

She will not.

She will not be ashamed.

She will sit there in a self-righteous manner and believe that she has won.

I am angry at her for doing this to her children.

I wonder if the children will ever truly understand what she has done to them.

I wonder if there will ever come the day when the kids understand what we tried to do for them.

I wonder if we, all of us, any of us, will survive these years or if one day we will look back in regret and say, “I wish we hadn’t done what we did.”