I’m trying so hard to be positive in my life right now.  But I have something gnawing away at me that I have to release or else it will continue to slowly erode my emotions.

From the outside – I appear to strangers to have it all together.  I’m falling apart on the inside and very few people know exactly how bad it is.

Those that do know about my struggles offer to help.  As a proud person, I usually turn them down because – not only do I see myself as a proud person, but I’m also strong!  I can handle this!

But I can’t handle it.  Not right now.  It takes too much effort to handle it some days.  Usually all I need is someone to help get me started.  Make a move to help me and I’ll jump right up so it doesn’t seem like I’m helpless.  Having the company helps as well – tasks are always more pleasant when you have someone to share them with.

I’m beginning to learn that it isn’t a sign of weakness to ask for help.  It’s a hard pill for me to swallow to ask for the help though.

And this is where the “something” gnawing on me comes in.

I’ve had offers of help recently – from both friends and family.  I swallowed my pride a few times and said, “you know what, thank you, yes, I can use some help with this…..”

And…..

I hear silence.

Or back-pedaling.

Or excuses why I don’t need help with that item.

But let them know what they can help me with – because I only need to ask!

Ummm…..

Do you know how hard it is to hear an offer to help – only to have it ripped away?  What that does to a person in a fragile emotional state?

Please, please, please – do not offer to help someone if you aren’t willing to follow through!

I can only speak for myself, but it makes me feel like I’m not worth the effort.  That I’m being given lip-service so the person I’m speaking with can feel better about themselves rather than a true offer to help me.

And if I’m not worth the effort from family and friends – then what do I have left to be positive about?

I AM worth the effort, and I will get through this – but I’m also finding out who really cares about me along the way as well.

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