Just one ticket.

That’s all it takes to be a multi-millionaire!

The multi-state mega-millions jackpot is larger than it’s ever been before.  My friend from the last post – we’ve agreed I’ll call her Kate the Great – admitted to me today that she succumbed to the frenzy and bought a ticket.  After all, it only takes one!

I jokingly asked if she was going to share – and she readily agreed!  I love my friend!  Not just for the less than 0.000000001% chance she’ll share her winning with me (the odds, give or take a few decimal points, of her actually winning, not her level of generosity), but it sure doesn’t hurt anything either.  She then told me what her plans for any winnings might be.

I was shocked!  Her plans included gifts for friends, college fund for her son, beef up retirement accounts and a new car.

No offense Kate, but I just can’t let you get away with dreaming so small…..

So, to help out Kate and anyone else reading who might have taken a chance, here is your guide to winning a jackpot:

  • Buy ticket
  • Wait
  • Wait some more
  • Forget about ticket
  • Remember the next day after drawing that you bought a ticket after overhearing everyone lamenting about not winning, but some lucky bastard in the area won
  • The reality and possibility hit you like a ton of bricks and you start plotting
  • Take a “smoke” break leaving co-workers confused about you never smoking before, while you tear your vehicle apart looking for the ticket
  • Realize it’s not in your car, so it has to be at home
  • Fake stomach distress,  throw in a couple of dry heaves for good measure and beg off work
  • Rush home, narrowly avoiding speeding ticket and running several red lights
  • Look for ticket, can’t find it, cursing your horrible memory
  • Panic that it was accidentally thrown away
  • Find it where you left it, the back pocket of your jeans in the dirty clothes – thank God you haven’t done laundry yet.
  • Check numbers
  • Realize you’re the lucky bastard that WON jackpot
  • Go crazy
  • Suddenly realize you can’t tell ANYONE
  • Go crazy again, only a lot more subdued
  • Attempt to hide ticket in a “safe” place where you won’t forget it – Grandma’s antique bible seems like a good place – change locations 8 times before finally just putting it on the dresser mirror
  • Stay up all  night checking out things to buy on the internet, each click more extravagant than the last
  • Call in to work the next day because you’re so tired
  • Take a nap
  • Call an estate planning lawyer, insist on appointment that day, explain why in cryptic terms, attend appointment and map out a future plan for the money
  • Call a CPA, follow above plans
  • Attempt to attend work without acting suspicious, fail miserably
  • Finally claim ticket
  • Have lawyer and CPA set up annuity payments to yourself, retirement, college and trust accounts.  Make sure CPA is in on the information for all of this – the goal is to keep the money working for you for the rest of your life while you decide to live life on your own terms (whether or not that means working is up to you and however much you actually win)
  • While at the lawyer, insist on drawing up iron-clad documents for list of gift recipients to sign – to ensure they never come back and ask you to “loan” them money ever again – their gift is all they’re getting from you
  • Steel yourself against the upcoming snarky comments about you behind your back about what a stingy bastard you are
  • Donate remaining money to the charities of your choosing.
  • Change your phone number and email address, move if possible – preferably into a mobile home so no one can find you unless you want them to, at least until everyone forgets that you won this huge jackpot
  • Plan HUGE party for all of your gift recipients.  Attend party and share the awesome news.  Pass out documents for signatures, pass out checks, pass out from partying, etc.
  • Live life the way you always wished you could.
  • Live happily ever after.
  • The end.