I slapped Monkey last night.

There, I said it.  Call the cops on me for being a child-abuser.  I ready for them to haul me off and lock me away forever and ever (maybe I can get some rest then!).

No, it wasn’t a playful slap.  No, I didn’t do it in a teasing way.  I don’t even remember thinking, “I’m going to slap her.”  The slap happened before any rational thought went through my head.  Hun and I talked afterward and he doesn’t feel like I overstepped any lines, but we both recognize that we will have to deal with Jetsam now.  That’s fine – I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again.  Do I feel guilty about what happened?  Maybe, but I think you should read what lead up to the slap and let you be the judge:

Last night was the boys’ first Thursday night football game.  There are a couple of more games scheduled this season on Thursdays.  The previous games have all been on Fridays, so this was a change to the routine that we’ve thus far established.  Hun and I knew it would be a late night.  We decided we’d go to the game anyway and take the girls like we have been.

We stopped at Sonic for dinner and ate in the car.  I noticed Monkey scrape all of the toppings of the cheeseburger she ordered into her bag – I didn’t say anything about it.  She then commented that the tater-tots were nasty and she wasn’t going to eat them.  My first horrible step as a parent last night was asking her why she got them then.  She pointed out that she didn’t order them, I did – and she’s right.  Sonic means tater-tots, I don’t think about ordering fries and didn’t.  She also didn’t correct me either while I was ordering them – later claiming she forgot that fries could be ordered at Sonic (she’s eaten tater-tots before without issue).

We finally get to the game, late (stupid Google gave me the wrong directions…..couldn’t have been me doing the wrong search….no, not possible!).  Settle into the stands half-way through the 2nd quarter and there is hope we will win the game, we’re leading after all.  Monkey notices that this stadium serves funnel cakes (Hun’s kryptonite – usually) and comments how good it looks (ploy #1).  Hun doesn’t bite on the obvious ploy to get him to buy one.

Fifteen minutes later, Monkey comments that she is hungry (ploy #2).  Both Hun and I comment that we ate less than 45 minutes before, she shouldn’t be hungry.  She insists that she is.  My second horrible step as a parent last night was to point out to her that if she had eaten her tater-tots and all of the toppings on her burger, she wouldn’t be hungry now.  Hun readily agrees with that assessment.  Monkey responds by turning her back to us to pout.

Another fifteen minutes later and Monkey asks Hun if he wants her to find out how much the funnel cakes cost (ploy #3).  I hear her ask this, but am watching the game – Hun is playing on his phone, oblivious to everything going on around him and doesn’t say anything to her.  She gets up and walks down the stands.  Hun finally realizes that she got up and left and asks her where she is going as she’s about to leave the stands.  She comes back up and tells him she’s going to the bathroom.  My third horrible step as a parent last night was to point out to her that she didn’t say that originally – so which is it – is she going to the bathroom or checking on funnel cake prices?  She responds by moving down 3 rows and ignoring us.  I remind her that she said she needed to go to the bathroom, so she needed to go.  More silent treatment.  (Our end of the stands was generally empty – so we weren’t yelling over people and most of the seats in front of us were clear.)

At some point in the 3rd quarter, Covert Ploy #4 tried to happen with LaLa asking Monkey in front of us – “What did Dad ask you to check on?  Prices for a funnel cake?”  My fourth horrible step as a parent last night was to remind Monkey that she needed to quit telling people one thing when it didn’t actually happen as that is the same as lying.  She began to protest that she didn’t say that, growled a huge “UUGGHHHHH!!!!” instead and rolled her eyes at everyone.

Monkey tries one last time with a pitiful, “Well, if you won’t buy me anything to eat, will you at least buy me something to drink?  I’m thirsty.”  Hun hands over money to LaLa with instructions on what to buy for everyone.  Monkey spends the remaining time of the game hanging on the fence and generally ignoring us.  When we finally leave to a horribly losing score, she is pouting and generally being difficult to deal with.

Hun and I ask her at the vehicle what is wrong – she insists nothing.  We press some more, she displays more attitude.  I point out that the attitude over not getting a funnel cake is so wrong.  She screams that it’s not about the funnel cake and to leave her alone.  Hun sternly, quietly but intensely, tells her lose the attitude as he’s not going to put up with that from her (a 12 year old).  She angrily tells him to “Get out of her FUCKING face!”

SMACK!!!

Just another notch in my evil parent belt.

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