I hate work.

Seriously – I hate it.

I haven’t hated work this badly since….since…..I don’t know when.

I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know why I’m doing what I am doing, and I don’t know when that will change.

I’ve been in the job 8 months now and I feel like I should be further along in my training than I actually am.  The reassurances I am receiving from my boss that I’m doing just fine feel empty and patronizing.  The nodding head of my coworker agreeing with my boss directly conflicts with the very audible SIGHES I receive from the other side of her cubicle wall when another question comes up that I don’t know the answer to.  They have each been in their respective positions 20+ years.  While I have been in the hospital system for over 17 years, nothing has been as hard as this job has been for me to learn.

To top it all off, our office is about to also undergo a major renovation that is 20 years over-due.  New carpet, new paint, new furniture and new, additional stressors are about to be my new normal.

I am back to being burned out by all of the stress.  I cannot seem to function in even the most basic of modes.  I’m able to get some things done (showers are a must), but I’m thankful that I have a ton of work cloths – I haven’t done laundry for myself in 3 weeks.  Is this partially due to the low thyroid levels?  Or is it due to work and stress?  I can no longer tell.

I was at this point one time before – around 2 years after we received custody of Hun’s kids.  We went from a household of 3 to a household of 6 over night and I couldn’t keep up the “ideal image” in my own mind of what a wife and mother should be.  I had to tell Hun something had to give – what should I give up – being a wife, being a mother or having a job?  He wisely chose that my job had to go and I went PRN for almost 2 years.  Not necessarily the best financial move we ever made, but it helped me immensely in the mental department.

It used to be that when one area of my life was falling apart, I’d be able to retreat into another area to recuperate.  If work was horrible, home was my refuge and vice versa.  Unfortunately…..remember the post about the ceiling in the kitchen and me mentioning the bathroom remodel?  There is chaos galore at home right now – just with the projects that are waiting to be done.  And kids – Rowdy is continuing to test the boundaries (like we won’t find out that he’s lying!).

So….no place is a safe zone for me right now.

A forum I visit frequently posed the question of “If you had to spend a year on a deserted island, what 10 things would you bring with you?”  All I can think of in response to that question is – that would be heaven!!!

Would I be bored?  Eventually – sure.

Would I miss my husband and kids?  Eventually – sure.

Would I miss working?  Maybe.

It might surprise people to know that it would probably take longer than they would expect for me to actually miss everyone and everything.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my husband, I love my kids, I love my house (well….sometimes), and I like my job (usually – after all, I have stuck it out for 17 years).

I’m just tired, so tired.