Yesterday, I ran into an old friend.  To say we used to be best friends is an understatement.  We’ve known each other for almost 30 years – she says we knew each other in 1st grade, while I don’t truly remember her until we were in 2nd grade.  Details.

We would call each other on a pretty regular basis – it wasn’t unusual for us to talk 4-5 times per week, sometimes more.  I was supposed to be a bride’s maid at her wedding, but I went temporarily insane during that time frame and wasn’t around to fulfill the duties.  I got my act together enough to make it to her wedding though.  She was my Maid of Honor at both of my weddings.  Our sons are 6 months apart in age.

For reasons I’m not quite sure about, she quit talking to me about 2 years ago.  I remember the exact point in time that I realized she was ignoring my phone calls.  For several weeks, she wouldn’t answer when I called – ok, no biggie, she had just started a new job, so I knew she was busy in all areas of her life.  But then one day, I called her cell phone – it rang a couple of times and half-way into the 3rd ring, it went straight to voicemail.  I had called her phone enough times to know that it never did that…ever.  She had looked at her phone, saw it was me and purposely ignored the call.

Okay, fine, I can deal with that.  She was prone to mood swings that I wouldn’t be able to explain until she filled me in later.  I was used to being treated like that from her.  I decided that I wouldn’t call her again until she called me.  After all, lately I had been the one to always call her.  Maybe I was being too clingy.  Maybe I needed to give her space.

Or, maybe I had pissed her off again with some obscure comment that I had made that I hadn’t even realized would insult her.  I did that once – right after my son was born, her son was already 6 months old.  We were talking and she commented to me that she thought she might be pregnant.  Her husband had been in the Navy at that point and had only been home about a month from a prolonged tour at sea.  I commented that lots of women thought that after just getting back with their husbands – was she sure?  She dropped the subject and never mentioned it again.  At the time, I figured it had just been a false alarm.  Turned out, she was pregnant and had a miscarriage within the month.  She never told me.

She told me 7 YEARS later that my comment had pissed her off and she never wanted to share with me that she was pregnant ever again.  That she had been pregnant many times over that 7 year period, but had always had a miscarriage and that she had been lucky to give birth to her son.  I was beyond shocked that she held onto that anger for so long.  As far as I could tell, our friendship had never been strained, so I just couldn’t figure out why she decided to tell me that after all those years.  Another 5 years passed of us hanging out and being friends.

So, when she decided to cut contact with me, I convinced myself that it must be for a similar reason.  I was upset at the loss of a friend, in my mind, a very good friend.  But I held to my decision not to call her until she was ready to call me.  It took almost 4 months, but she finally texted me about going out to lunch.  I was ready!  I couldn’t wait to see my friend again! 

She never showed up.

No excuse, no follow up text, no nothing.

3 months later, there was another text, another promise to meet for lunch.  Again, she never showed.

About a year ago, I heard through the grapevine that she was pregnant again, but that she specifically didn’t want me to know.  I was crushed that she thought that way and was aware enough to tell the person that told me that she didn’t want ME to know.  The person that told me was her own mom – she couldn’t figure out why she didn’t want me to know either – we had been such great friends for so long.  What happened?  I couldn’t answer that…..I still can’t.

We still live in the same area we did before.  It was only a matter of time before we would run into each other.  Last night, that’s what happened.  She had her new baby boy with her (cute as a button I might add!) and we chatted for a few minutes.  She didn’t ask me if I wanted to hold her son and I didn’t ask her if I could.  Our friendship isn’t the same anymore and I wouldn’t have asked that of someone I barely know.  I feel like we’re at that point with each other…..I barely know her now.

She is keeping up with my family though through Facebook, so she knows what’s going on in our lives.  It makes me wonder if she wants to start the friendship back up again.  I also think she wants me to be the one to make amends.  Based on our history together from my point of view, I don’t think I can do that.  What she doesn’t realize is that she has said things to me that have upset me greatly over the years.  I never said anything to her simply because I didn’t want angry words spoken between us. 

I’m sad that the friendship has reached this point.  But with distance, clarity had been added.  I’m seeing issues I kept my mouth shut about in a different light.  I’m no longer trying to figure out what game I’m playing with her.  Or what comment I might say today will keep her pissed off for years to come.

I wish our friendship had never devolved to this point.  But, I don’t feel as though I can change it either… or should.  She will have to make that choice.